The Reason I am Single (Spoiler Alert: It's Grammar)

Today, upon checking my OkCupid inbox, I received a message reading: "Wow, your beautiful."

Now, the appropriate response to this message would be to be flattered, and return a message with something equally complimentary. 

My response, however, is to ask, "My beautiful what?"

Or, perhaps, shoot back a more terse and direct "*you're."

 I can't tell you the number of messages I've ignored, because, "hey how u doin?" or "sup"-- or, my recent favorite, "I treat women with the up most respect."

As an English major, my standard for words is just a little higher. As in, you actually have to use words. Properly. And know what they mean. Because this is real life, not kindergarten. I kind of want the men I date to know their ABCs.

I'm not sure if this means I have standards, expectations, and self-respect, or if it just makes me a jerk. I can hear my mother's voice in the back of my head, saying, "Yes, but what if he's a really nice man, who just can't spell? You don't really need a man to be able to use proper syntax, as long as he can unclog a drain!" 

And she's right. It's completely possible for someone to be both bad at grammar, and a wonderful person. There are even members of my family who unironically write things like "Apple's and Banana's" on the grocery list, and I still manage to find a way to love them.

But there it is, nevertheless: this block. Because even if I try to ignore the bad grammar, the bad spelling, the lack of punctuation... it gets to me. It does. I start reading every text in a doofy voice in my head, like, "Duhhhh, well shuckth, girl, you thure awr a purdy liddle thang!" And once that's begun, the whole thing is on a fast track to nowhere. Even when I push through and talk myself into thinking I'm just being too picky and I need to give them a chance in person, it turns out that in person, they are still not the person for me. 

And why be with the wrong person? Let's be honest here: I can unclog the drains myself.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm a jerk.

The thing is, words matter to me. They aren't just bits of sound we throw out into the air, hoping to achieve some kind of effect. Words should mean something. They should be used carefully. And like it or not, the words you use tell me something about you. You can get a pretty complete picture of someone, just by listening to the words they say. If you don't believe me, check out the P.O.E.M. skit from last week's Prairie Home Companion.  

So, for all of you who keep asking, that's why I'm single.

(Just kidding. Nobody asks. People look at me and go, "Yup, she's single? Seems about right.")

But that's ok. I've got my proper apostrophe usage to keep me warm at night.