Day Three: 7 Things That Make Me Mad
Today, I got mad. I didn't stay mad, though. And you want to know why?
It's because I have so much practice getting mad, that I've had plenty of practice calming myself down, as well.
It's basically a necessity.
Why am I mad so often?
I'm so glad you asked. Here, in ranked order of least to greatest, are 7 things that make me angry on a regular basis.
7. People not listening to me. It's unfortunate that this gets under my skin, because, as any teacher will tell you, 80% of teaching is Talking While Nobody Listens (or its varied and exciting cousin, Talking While People Pretend to Listen).
6. People spouting off about a topic without doing any basic research or fact-checking; again, an unfortunate pet peeve to have in my profession. The chief offender here, however, are people on Facebook. I understand you're excited to share this new information with me and you just can't wait, but really, how long does it take to google "Snopes Obama Birth Certificate Proves He's Martian"?
5. Improper use of the term "Yolo." Yes, it's true, You Only Live Once. ONCE. That means that when it's over, it's over (for this life, at least). SO for heaven's sake, buckle up! Take your vitamins! Wear a scarf and avoid cliffs! YOLO!
4. Apostrophe abuse. Examples include: its for it's; it's for its (quick tip to tell them apart? Imagine the apostrophe is a magnet, sucking the words IT and IS together. That is the ONLY time you use it's; the possessive "its" never uses an apostrophe); other wrongful apostrophations: Atm's, CD's, Number's, Banana's, etc. Unless you are talking about A. an object belonging to a subject, or B. using your apostrophe-magnet to create a contraction, NO APOSTROPHE.
Examples of proper use: My, these bananas are fine; look at that one, holding those CDs! I love that banana's CD! That banana's CD's a great one.
3. This expression: "If you think you're going out dressed like that, young man, you've got another thing coming."
What?
Just... WHAT?
Why would the word be "thing?" How does that ever, EVER, make sense? Wouldn't it be "think?" "If you THINK 'a', then you're going to have to THINK again"- aka, you've got another THINK coming. Yes, if we were being all grammatical, it would be "another thought coming," but the expression is supposed to be quirky, isn't it? "Another thing coming" isn't quirky, it's just nonsense.
3b. "Could care less."
If I said to you, "I could have less fish," what does that indicate? Well, clearly, I must have some fish, because there is an amount of fish that would be smaller than the amount I currently have, right? If I wanted to indicate to you that I do not, in fact, have any fish, I would say, "I could not have less fish," because I already have the minimum amount of fish, i.e., zero fish.
In a similar vein, if it is possible for you to care less than you currently do, that means that logically, you DO care a little. That's just common sense. The expression is "COULDN'T care less"- because if you couldn't care less, it means you already care as little as possible, i.e., zero fish.
2. People in cars.
(In my imagination, The Oatmeal is illustrating this particular rant. If at all possible, please imagine that with me. To assist with that, read this comic on "Minor Differences.")(Warning: not Mom safe. There are no-no words.)
By themselves, people are fine. I often find them quite pleasant, even, especially when they are giving me money, chocolate, and/or neck rubs.
Likewise, I have absolutely no problem with cars alone. They just sit there, big and shiny, perfectly harmless.
But somehow, you combine a perfectly pleasant person and a perfectly harmless car, and you get this weird, hybrid beast I like to call the Maniacally Entitled Faceless Jaghole.
You know the type.
These are the people with the pupil-piercingly bright LED headlights that come with two settings: high beams, and OH GOD MY RETINAS.
These are the people in lifted trucks who bury their hoods in your tailpipe even if you're going 75 on a canyon road, and then zoom around you on a double yellow, blaring their horns.
These are the people who screech out on two tires to get on the road a microsecond before you do, and then drive 15 miles an hour down a clear straightaway.
These are the filth of the earth.
In all of my twenty-five revolutions around the sun, I have never been as angry outside of a car as I have been behind the wheel.
1. People who don't finish lists.
Like, really?
It's because I have so much practice getting mad, that I've had plenty of practice calming myself down, as well.
It's basically a necessity.
Why am I mad so often?
I'm so glad you asked. Here, in ranked order of least to greatest, are 7 things that make me angry on a regular basis.
7. People not listening to me. It's unfortunate that this gets under my skin, because, as any teacher will tell you, 80% of teaching is Talking While Nobody Listens (or its varied and exciting cousin, Talking While People Pretend to Listen).
6. People spouting off about a topic without doing any basic research or fact-checking; again, an unfortunate pet peeve to have in my profession. The chief offender here, however, are people on Facebook. I understand you're excited to share this new information with me and you just can't wait, but really, how long does it take to google "Snopes Obama Birth Certificate Proves He's Martian"?
5. Improper use of the term "Yolo." Yes, it's true, You Only Live Once. ONCE. That means that when it's over, it's over (for this life, at least). SO for heaven's sake, buckle up! Take your vitamins! Wear a scarf and avoid cliffs! YOLO!
4. Apostrophe abuse. Examples include: its for it's; it's for its (quick tip to tell them apart? Imagine the apostrophe is a magnet, sucking the words IT and IS together. That is the ONLY time you use it's; the possessive "its" never uses an apostrophe); other wrongful apostrophations: Atm's, CD's, Number's, Banana's, etc. Unless you are talking about A. an object belonging to a subject, or B. using your apostrophe-magnet to create a contraction, NO APOSTROPHE.
Examples of proper use: My, these bananas are fine; look at that one, holding those CDs! I love that banana's CD! That banana's CD's a great one.
3. This expression: "If you think you're going out dressed like that, young man, you've got another thing coming."
What?
Just... WHAT?
Why would the word be "thing?" How does that ever, EVER, make sense? Wouldn't it be "think?" "If you THINK 'a', then you're going to have to THINK again"- aka, you've got another THINK coming. Yes, if we were being all grammatical, it would be "another thought coming," but the expression is supposed to be quirky, isn't it? "Another thing coming" isn't quirky, it's just nonsense.
3b. "Could care less."
If I said to you, "I could have less fish," what does that indicate? Well, clearly, I must have some fish, because there is an amount of fish that would be smaller than the amount I currently have, right? If I wanted to indicate to you that I do not, in fact, have any fish, I would say, "I could not have less fish," because I already have the minimum amount of fish, i.e., zero fish.
In a similar vein, if it is possible for you to care less than you currently do, that means that logically, you DO care a little. That's just common sense. The expression is "COULDN'T care less"- because if you couldn't care less, it means you already care as little as possible, i.e., zero fish.
2. People in cars.
(In my imagination, The Oatmeal is illustrating this particular rant. If at all possible, please imagine that with me. To assist with that, read this comic on "Minor Differences.")(Warning: not Mom safe. There are no-no words.)
By themselves, people are fine. I often find them quite pleasant, even, especially when they are giving me money, chocolate, and/or neck rubs.
Likewise, I have absolutely no problem with cars alone. They just sit there, big and shiny, perfectly harmless.
But somehow, you combine a perfectly pleasant person and a perfectly harmless car, and you get this weird, hybrid beast I like to call the Maniacally Entitled Faceless Jaghole.
You know the type.
These are the people with the pupil-piercingly bright LED headlights that come with two settings: high beams, and OH GOD MY RETINAS.
These are the people in lifted trucks who bury their hoods in your tailpipe even if you're going 75 on a canyon road, and then zoom around you on a double yellow, blaring their horns.
These are the people who screech out on two tires to get on the road a microsecond before you do, and then drive 15 miles an hour down a clear straightaway.
These are the filth of the earth.
In all of my twenty-five revolutions around the sun, I have never been as angry outside of a car as I have been behind the wheel.
1. People who don't finish lists.
Like, really?
Now I'm going to be thinking about fish when I think of the phrase "couldn't care less" - "because I have zero fish". :)
ReplyDeleteThen my work here is done :)
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