Day Two: Why Judging is a Good Thing
People always tell me, "You can't judge a book by it's cover." (Which I've already proven is utter nonsense). They also tell me, "Don't make assumptions about people. You can't judge them so quickly."
To which I reply, maybe you can't.
In my experience, meeting new people is like hearing a brand-new song on the radio. It shows up, and right away, you're either digging the beat, or you aren't. How many songs have you heard that start out with a heavy hip-hop baseline and end up with a whimsical fiddle solo? How many songs start out lyrical and end up with a looped techno beat? You might know of one--anything's possible--but it's not the norm.
People are the same.
I knew I would love my favorite song within the first three seconds of listening to it. Did I know all the words yet? Did I even know the band name? No. But I knew it was my kind of song.
If someone starts off your acquaintance by being rude, brutish, and pushy, chances are that they will remain rude, brutish, and pushy. If someone starts off kind, smart, funny, or any combination of the three, chances are they will continue in the same tune. (BOCTAOE)
All of which is to say, don't tell me not to make judgements about people. I can't befriend every person I meet- I don't have the time, mental energy, or skill to make that happen. My resources are limited, which means my time gets doled out in a kind of triage system. Those likely to pull through and be good friends and companions get little doses of my Me, and those who are a little iffy- the fatally narcissistic, those with gangrene of the soul, the terminally vapid- are left to die on the battlefield.
Ok, so that metaphor got a little horribly depressing.
The thing is, I'm wrong about new people about as often as I'm wrong about new songs. AKA, never.* And the times that I ignore my own inner voice saying "change the station on this loser!" and I tell myself, "No, no, I'll give it another chance!", I end up wishing I'd followed my gut, because now I've got a metaphysical Demi Lovato song stuck in my head, except instead of a bottomless buffet of annoyance in the form of a chorus of "Heart Attack," I'm listening to another hour of detailed descriptions of this dude's latest trip to the emergency room, or a rundown of every feature of this girl's new phone. I should have just put on The Civil Wars and said
"No" to coffee.
*Give or take a 5% margin of error.
Some of the worst interactions people can have are those based on a "non-judgemental" viewpoint: i.e., expecting someone to change. "Well, yes, he was boring and selfish on our first date, but he was just tired/cranky/hungry/blue. I'm not going to judge. I'm sure he'll be kind and considerate on our next date!"
And the next thing you know, you've "non-judgemental-ed" yourself into fifty years of marriage to a selfish bore who probably is cheating on you right now. Probably his secretary, or a flight attendant. Because he's not even interesting enough to cheat in an original fashion. But oh--don't leave him. Don't judge.
I'm sure the tune will change after the next chorus of "Oh, I'll TOTALLY pay you back!"
To which I reply, maybe you can't.
In my experience, meeting new people is like hearing a brand-new song on the radio. It shows up, and right away, you're either digging the beat, or you aren't. How many songs have you heard that start out with a heavy hip-hop baseline and end up with a whimsical fiddle solo? How many songs start out lyrical and end up with a looped techno beat? You might know of one--anything's possible--but it's not the norm.
People are the same.
I knew I would love my favorite song within the first three seconds of listening to it. Did I know all the words yet? Did I even know the band name? No. But I knew it was my kind of song.
If someone starts off your acquaintance by being rude, brutish, and pushy, chances are that they will remain rude, brutish, and pushy. If someone starts off kind, smart, funny, or any combination of the three, chances are they will continue in the same tune. (BOCTAOE)
All of which is to say, don't tell me not to make judgements about people. I can't befriend every person I meet- I don't have the time, mental energy, or skill to make that happen. My resources are limited, which means my time gets doled out in a kind of triage system. Those likely to pull through and be good friends and companions get little doses of my Me, and those who are a little iffy- the fatally narcissistic, those with gangrene of the soul, the terminally vapid- are left to die on the battlefield.
Ok, so that metaphor got a little horribly depressing.
The thing is, I'm wrong about new people about as often as I'm wrong about new songs. AKA, never.* And the times that I ignore my own inner voice saying "change the station on this loser!" and I tell myself, "No, no, I'll give it another chance!", I end up wishing I'd followed my gut, because now I've got a metaphysical Demi Lovato song stuck in my head, except instead of a bottomless buffet of annoyance in the form of a chorus of "Heart Attack," I'm listening to another hour of detailed descriptions of this dude's latest trip to the emergency room, or a rundown of every feature of this girl's new phone. I should have just put on The Civil Wars and said
"No" to coffee.
*Give or take a 5% margin of error.
Some of the worst interactions people can have are those based on a "non-judgemental" viewpoint: i.e., expecting someone to change. "Well, yes, he was boring and selfish on our first date, but he was just tired/cranky/hungry/blue. I'm not going to judge. I'm sure he'll be kind and considerate on our next date!"
And the next thing you know, you've "non-judgemental-ed" yourself into fifty years of marriage to a selfish bore who probably is cheating on you right now. Probably his secretary, or a flight attendant. Because he's not even interesting enough to cheat in an original fashion. But oh--don't leave him. Don't judge.
I'm sure the tune will change after the next chorus of "Oh, I'll TOTALLY pay you back!"
All this is true, and very well said, but don't you think there are times when we make up our minds about a person/situation/place/song, before giving them a chance to prove themselves different? Like if someone had told me about this punk band, The Plain White T's, before I had heard Delilah - I might have made a judgment based on my understanding of the word "punk", and decided to dislike them. Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteI agree with what you're saying. I think there's some people that don't have that kind of sense about people, and are honestly surprised or don't see what people do and draw conclusions about them. It's interesting to see that in some people, especially when they're eternally optimistic about people (I am eternally optimistic but I definitely make judgment calls). However, I think drawing a judgment about someone is different than having a preconceived notion about them due to something superficial. It's a fine line. However, you're right. No one has the time or energy to allot to every person they meet, and it's probably better that way. :)
ReplyDeleteHey, thanks for reading and commenting, guys! I agree with you both. I would never turn the radio off before even listening to part of the song, and I wouldn't write a person off before giving them a try. Just like you can't judge a band by their name or genre, I wouldn't judge a person just by their looks or reputation. You have to hear the song for what it is, not just go off of whether you like the album cover.
ReplyDelete