Day 22: A Post Guaranteed to Piss Almost Everyone Off

If you're reading these words, you probably already know this about me, but I'm a Christian. I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist, to be specific, which means I skip church on Saturdays instead of Sundays, and I feel guilty about a different assortment of things than your mainstream Christians--things like going to movie theaters, and eating bacon. 

Not that I eat bacon. I don't, Grandma!

Except when I do...

But I always pray afterwards.

Being my particular brand of quasi-conservative Christian, I get into trouble from time to time... because I'm actually extremely liberal. I believe in welfare, food stamps, homeless outreach, equal rights for all of the everybody. I believe in birth control. I believe in Obama.

(And right there, all my future job prospects in the Adventist system just evaporated. Also, half my family isn't speaking to me. I'm sorry, all of my grandparents! I'm just really enjoying my medical insurance!)

I also believe that anybody in Mexico should basically be able to do their grocery shopping in T.J., then run up to Southern California for a panini lunch, then back home to wash the donkey, then spend the weekend in Hollywood, touring the homes of the stars. Because you want to talk about illegal immigration? How about when WE illegally immigrated to California, and then bought it from the Spanish with gold we mined FROM CALIFORNIA? I mean come on. All they want to do is work for a decent wage and sell us delicious, delicious tacos. Everybody calm down about building a giant razor-topped wall.

I'm just burning all my bridges today, aren't I?

Anyway my point, if there is one, is this: I'm always seeing stuff posted by my uber-right-wing family, but the other day, I was reading the ol' bible, and dagnabbit if I didn't find some interesting verses! Confusing verses, in fact.

Acts 2:44-45:
And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need.

Well, hmm. I don't know about you, but to me, that doesn't sound capitalist at all.

That can't be right. Let's try again.

Acts 20:35
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

Wait, so you're telling me, not only are we NOT supposed to hoard all the wealth we possibly can, but we're actually supposed to work hard with the end goal of giving to the needy in mind?

Sarcasm aside, Christian conservatives, I have a challenge for you: I challenge you that you shouldn't even need to read these verses to know that helping out your fellow man is the right thing to do. Because, "Love one another as I have loved you." Because, "Whatever you have done to the least of these, you do unto me." The least of these, guys. The drug addict. The prostitute. The gay, drug addicted prostitute. How you treat the person you least want to be nice to? THAT is how you will be gauged by God. There are no brownie points for always bringing the white-sauce lasagna to the potluck. "But I washed Harriet's feet EVERY communion service, and her panty hose were really smelly!" Nope. Sorry, bucko. Nice try.

"But what about those lazy bums on welfare? Why should I have to work at my job to support their lazy, entitled mindset?"

Because "Thou shall not judge." Because "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Because him, that anonymous trailer-trash man you're imagining, sitting back all fat and happy because you're paying his cable bill? He doesn't exist. You've made up a cardboard man to hate and labeled him "Welfare Recipient." The truth is, you have no idea who your tax money is going towards. None. You don't know their struggle, their journey, or their own relationship with God. You don't know how she gets down on her knees every night and praises the Lord that she is getting that help. Because "God doesn't see what man sees." God is smarter than you, and guess what? Your money doesn't even belong to you, because your life doesn't belong to you. You were supposed to give that to God, remember? And if He wants to use your life to support the life of someone who is struggling, what kind of a selfish, short-sighted person are you to say "no" to God?

Now, am I saying Jesus was a liberal? Nope. If you read his words, you'll actually see that Jesus was pretty dang unconcerned with politics. In fact, everyone expected the Messiah to be a political figure, someone who was going to free the Jews from Roman oppression. But Jesus took an attitude toward government that was pretty indifferent: "Whatever, guys, return to Caesar what is Caesar's. The things of this Earth don't really matter that much, I'm trying to save your souls. For eternity. Now, just be nicer to one another. Stop stoning people."

It's not a complicated philosophy, and yet 2,000 years later, we still can't get it right. ("Wait, he said don't stone people? Like... at all? What if they really, really have it coming?")

Well, I imagine I've annoyed just about everyone by now, because my liberal readers are most likely going, "Ugh, bible verses, why?" and my Christian readers are going "Ugh, liberal propoganda, why?"

Well, why not?

Oh, and while I'm ranting, can we all stop with the blue-eyed Jesus pictures? Come on, guys. 

No more of this.

Let's all get on board: Jesus was a straight-up middle Eastern man. This would probably be a better representation.

In fact, I actually get a little worried about this second coming, because if most of the Christians I know looked up in the clouds and saw a bearded middle-Eastern man flying towards them, they'd start shooting.

Ok, now I'm done. Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave acrid, scathing hate comments in the comment section below!