How to Write Women (aka, Questions Somebody Asked)
Charlotte Bronte is not impressed.
So I've long had the desire to do a weekly feature where I answer questions my readers ask. However, due to a pretty sharp dearth of readership, and a complete lack of questions, I have no choice but to outsource my questions and give answers that nobody wanted from me.
You're welcome.
Over on r/writing, a daily source of entertainment and despair for many, one of the most frequently asked questions (second only to "Is it too obvious that this magic system is based on Naruto?") is, "How do I write female characters?" Usually this is followed up by some pretty irritating explanation, for example:
"Most of my main characters tend to be male. It's not that I find them easier to write than women, rather that I find women harder to write than men, for some reason."
(Um. That's... the same thing.)
"Lack of important female characters - is this an issue?"
"All my male characters are normal, they feel like real people. But I am having so much difficulty making my female characters feel real. What do I do? What am I doing wrong?"
"A strength disadvantage is an inherent part of what it means to be a woman. It is the most important difference between men and women. It's why we can't walk around alone at night or travel unaccompanied or let loose at a party."
"Any tips on writing a strong female lead that doesn't feel like a mary sue? I get writing her as i would any character and giving her flaws, but what else is to it?"
(All of these are verbatim examples from r/writing)
Men and women both struggle with this problem, so it's clearly an important topic. So I'm going to do my best to swallow my rage and give something resembling useful advice.
Nope, sorry, can't do it. First I have to talk about why this question bothers me so much. We're talking about half the population of humanity here. And all these writers, men and women, don't seem to know how to write them. I think the argument could be made that if you don't know how to write women, you don't know how to write at all.
Does that mean every story has to have women in it? Of course not. But the reason there are no women in your narrative has to be internally justified by the story (ie, you're writing a meditative science fiction story about the last man alive, trapped in space with a computer, the hologram of his worst enemy, and a being that evolved from the ship's cat, and the lack of women is crucial to his sense of despair), NOT by the writer's fear of writing a human with boobs.
And that's all women are. Humans. Not mysterious fairy creatures from the realm of Sextopia. Not tidy archetypes of virgin, martyr, and temptress. Just people. I've given the advice more than once that to write a woman, you just write a man, and then don't mention the penis.
But clearly, that's not getting through.
And fine, it's snappy advice, but it's not completely true. The same way that being a character of color (at least, in Contemporary) has nuance to it, and suffering, and prejudice, and that deserves acknowledgment. There are subtleties. There are disparities. There are differences.
They just aren't the things you think they are.
They just aren't the things you think they are.
I've touched on this topic before, but I think it's worth revisiting, because I have so much more to rant say on this topic. I have 17 years of experience writing female protagonists. I've only ever attempted 2 books from the male perspective, so I suppose you could accuse me of having the opposite problem. With what I know about crafting female characters, though, I'm here to give you some simple tips, with a minimum of snark, for how to get more comfortable with female characters.
Talk to women
Listen to women. Spend time with women. Not just one or two. Not just girls you want to date, or your mom (although them too). Find some women you can stand to be around for longer than 10 minutes, and then... be around them.
You might find that this doesn't really help you write "women." You might notice that each woman is different and unique, with different views on what it means to be a woman, and different peeves about how their gender is portrayed by others. That's because women are not a monolith. It's just a category of person.
So stop focusing on your character's femaleness and focus on their whole character. Being female may inform the character, to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the individual; it may have no impact at all, but you'll only learn that by delving into the character.
Don't be afraid of venturing outside of the parameters of the women you observe, either. Just because no women in your immediate circle can do kung-fu, doesn't mean no woman ever can do kung-fu. This step is more about reminding yourself that women are just people.
Read books about women
Pretty self-explanatory. Get recommendations from all those women you just hung out with for what books they like, what books they think have worthwhile female characters. This requirement can also be fulfilled by watching and listening to quality content created by women. Notice I said quality. Don't think you can learn anything about women from reading most erotica or watching reality TV. Romance novels are a grey area. They've come a long way since their rapey days of yore, but the genre remains a bit more about wish-fulfillment than realism.
If you want a few suggestions, I recommend anything by Tamora Pierce, the Tiffany Aching books by Terry Pratchett, "Sabriel" by Garth Nix, "Girls of Paper and Fire" by Natasha Ngan (which I just reviewed), to start. And yes, some of those books are written by men, so it is entirely possible to write well from the perspective of a woman without being one.
You'll notice that in fiction, women can be represented many ways. Just like in real life, there are many "right" ways to be a woman.
Ask yourself how to write a male character
If you have an easier time writing male characters than female, ask yourself why. What is it about this character that could only be male? If you made this character into a woman, what would fundamentally change about their character? Hopefully, by doing this, you may be able to spot some internalized messages that are more about social conditioning than actual differences in gender.
"Hardon McDickerson has to be a man, because his penis is the newest incarnation of the Holy Rod of Scorcha the Fire God, and that's integral to the plot" is a decent reason to keep a character male.
"General Bignuts the Turgid has to be a man, because at the battle of Bloodfest he refuses to back down in the face of certain defeat, and a woman would never make a risky move like that" is a stupid reason.
Note that I'm not saying every character has to have a reason they are the gender they are; this is just an exercise for those among you who have no problem coming up with a variety of male characters, but get stumped by women.
Watch out for the trap of defining a female character by her role.
If your book calls for "wife of Thog" as a character, beware of this being her whole personality. (Unless she's just a background character with little page time-- but in that case, she really doesn't count as a character). Whenever a woman is wholly defined by her relationship to the male protagonist, the temptation to fridge her becomes pretty darn compelling.
Controversial opinion: I'm not against this. I understand it, as a storytelling convention. But again, if you're going to do this, understand that the woman who existed primarily to have a motivational death, does not count as a character; she's a plot device.
Think about the roles you fill in your life. Are you defined by being a son or daughter? By being a parent? By being a spouse? My guess is that your identity is tied up in these roles, but not contained by them. Everyone's mother has dreams and fears outside of her children. Every aunt has pet peeves. Every wife has a past.
The truth was inside you, all along.
Finally, look inward. Who are you? What defines you? To what extent are you A Man or A Woman? To what extent are you both? Neither? What do any of these words even mean, to you? In what ways does being the gender you are change who you are and how you experience the world? Basically, take two minutes to do some basic meta-cognition, and learn a little empathy.
How do we write women? How do you write dragons, or elves, or characters of any color other than the specific color of your own skin? Use your imagination. Extrapolate. Then fact-check yourself and edit. It's the same way you write literally anything (I hope.)
And stop asking the same GD question 4 times a day. Reddit has a search function, for cripes' sake.
Thanks for reading! Remember, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter. Share this post if you found it useful or know anyone who needs help with this. Commenting is still not working on the blog but you can comment on any of my social media accounts or shoot me a DM if you have anything I missed. I hope you're all having a great Monday.
Song Recs:
If I Were a Boy
God Made Girls (ultimate hate-listen; write the opposite of this)
Secrets (Just a fantastic representation of diversity all around)
You might find that this doesn't really help you write "women." You might notice that each woman is different and unique, with different views on what it means to be a woman, and different peeves about how their gender is portrayed by others. That's because women are not a monolith. It's just a category of person.
So stop focusing on your character's femaleness and focus on their whole character. Being female may inform the character, to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the individual; it may have no impact at all, but you'll only learn that by delving into the character.
Don't be afraid of venturing outside of the parameters of the women you observe, either. Just because no women in your immediate circle can do kung-fu, doesn't mean no woman ever can do kung-fu. This step is more about reminding yourself that women are just people.
Read books about women
Pretty self-explanatory. Get recommendations from all those women you just hung out with for what books they like, what books they think have worthwhile female characters. This requirement can also be fulfilled by watching and listening to quality content created by women. Notice I said quality. Don't think you can learn anything about women from reading most erotica or watching reality TV. Romance novels are a grey area. They've come a long way since their rapey days of yore, but the genre remains a bit more about wish-fulfillment than realism.
If you want a few suggestions, I recommend anything by Tamora Pierce, the Tiffany Aching books by Terry Pratchett, "Sabriel" by Garth Nix, "Girls of Paper and Fire" by Natasha Ngan (which I just reviewed), to start. And yes, some of those books are written by men, so it is entirely possible to write well from the perspective of a woman without being one.
You'll notice that in fiction, women can be represented many ways. Just like in real life, there are many "right" ways to be a woman.
Ask yourself how to write a male character
If you have an easier time writing male characters than female, ask yourself why. What is it about this character that could only be male? If you made this character into a woman, what would fundamentally change about their character? Hopefully, by doing this, you may be able to spot some internalized messages that are more about social conditioning than actual differences in gender.
"Hardon McDickerson has to be a man, because his penis is the newest incarnation of the Holy Rod of Scorcha the Fire God, and that's integral to the plot" is a decent reason to keep a character male.
"General Bignuts the Turgid has to be a man, because at the battle of Bloodfest he refuses to back down in the face of certain defeat, and a woman would never make a risky move like that" is a stupid reason.
Note that I'm not saying every character has to have a reason they are the gender they are; this is just an exercise for those among you who have no problem coming up with a variety of male characters, but get stumped by women.
Watch out for the trap of defining a female character by her role.
If your book calls for "wife of Thog" as a character, beware of this being her whole personality. (Unless she's just a background character with little page time-- but in that case, she really doesn't count as a character). Whenever a woman is wholly defined by her relationship to the male protagonist, the temptation to fridge her becomes pretty darn compelling.
Controversial opinion: I'm not against this. I understand it, as a storytelling convention. But again, if you're going to do this, understand that the woman who existed primarily to have a motivational death, does not count as a character; she's a plot device.
Think about the roles you fill in your life. Are you defined by being a son or daughter? By being a parent? By being a spouse? My guess is that your identity is tied up in these roles, but not contained by them. Everyone's mother has dreams and fears outside of her children. Every aunt has pet peeves. Every wife has a past.
The truth was inside you, all along.
Finally, look inward. Who are you? What defines you? To what extent are you A Man or A Woman? To what extent are you both? Neither? What do any of these words even mean, to you? In what ways does being the gender you are change who you are and how you experience the world? Basically, take two minutes to do some basic meta-cognition, and learn a little empathy.
How do we write women? How do you write dragons, or elves, or characters of any color other than the specific color of your own skin? Use your imagination. Extrapolate. Then fact-check yourself and edit. It's the same way you write literally anything (I hope.)
And stop asking the same GD question 4 times a day. Reddit has a search function, for cripes' sake.
Thanks for reading! Remember, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter. Share this post if you found it useful or know anyone who needs help with this. Commenting is still not working on the blog but you can comment on any of my social media accounts or shoot me a DM if you have anything I missed. I hope you're all having a great Monday.
Song Recs:
If I Were a Boy
God Made Girls (ultimate hate-listen; write the opposite of this)
Secrets (Just a fantastic representation of diversity all around)
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