The Seven Accursed Orbs of the Dark: Why I Find Fantasy Unreadable

This image used by right of... they didn't block it from being downloadable, which I took as tacit compliance with me using it. Originally found here.

First off, let me say that my title is worded a bit more strongly than my actual feelings (darn you, renegade title!). There are quite a few fantasy books I enjoy, but these are the ones that tend to push the definition of the genre in some way. Traditional, Really Big Books, 10-part genre fantasies are, too me, about as appealing as reading the user's manual for my coffeemaker (which is to say, I'd rather keep putting up with coffee that tastes like engine grease than crack it open). Here, in 7 nice little sections, listed in ascending order of how much I hate them, are the reasons why I hate fantasy, and my own personal take on how it could be made better. (Or, ok, not "better," per se, but more Emily-ish, which is basically the same, right?)

7. The names. A really well-thought-out, well-crafted fantasy name can be quite catchy and beautiful. "Galadriel," from Lord of the Rings, comes to mind. Also "Eilonwy," from The Book of Three. But how did Tolkien and Alexander, respectively, come up with these names? Tolkien studied linguistics and put an enormous amount of work into the languages and names in his books. Alexander drew heavily on Welsh and Celtic history and tradition; many of his names are archaic Welsh names or words. The novice fantasy writer, though, seems unable to tell the difference between these careful, meaningful inventions, and names that show up in the typical passage from the first page of the kind of fantasy book I hate:

Wsjinfain Crackleboot, lowly farm boy and bastard son of an unknown father who will undoubtedly turn out to be a king or wizard, woke up with the cock's crow in the small hamlet of Mistjelaj-Upon-Avon.

The names are either keyboard seizures, ridiculously (and inappropriately) amusing, or barely-disguised regular names. (I want to name this guy Tom, but Tom is too normal, so I'll name him Ton. Or Tum. Or Toxm, with a silent x!)

My advice is, either use normal names, or be willing to put in as much work and thought as Tolkien. Don't worry about needing to come up with new and exciting names. As C.S. Lewis said (according to the internet so, you know, take that attribution with a  grain of salt): "Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."


6. Wsjinfain Crackleboot. I am sick to death of the foundling raised in obscurity who turns out to be the heir to a throne or a great mystical wizard's power and fortune. We've been there, ok? We've seen this all before. Let's go somewhere new. And no, I don't mean, make your names more original. A great play on this trope is the YA/ kids' book, The False Princess by Eilis O'Neal; in that book, the princess finds out she's actually a nobody, and she has to go live in squalor. It's more interesting, because it's the opposite of what we're used to-- and isn't that sort of the point of fantasy?

5. Too many characters. In those Really Big Books, fantasy series that go on for dozens of books, this is an inevitability. You know you're in a RBB series when you find yourself skimming pages full of plot you don't care about, looking for the one storyline you identify with. These authors weren't sure what their audience wanted-- plots, battle scenes, horrible gory magical violence, romance, or cute kids saying things in a vaguely Old Englishy way-- so they threw in a little of everything, just to be safe. These are the kinds of books which also suffer from #3, in a big way. 

4. The Old English curse. Now, we've established that these people live in a different world, a different dimension with different rules and different properties. So why do they all sound like they're speaking Elizabethan English? Why the heck can't your mystical pirate warrior knights speak in some other way, rather than talking in "thees" and "thous" and "By God!" I fall into this trap myself when attempting to write fantasy (something I should never, ever do!). Every pub is "Ye Olde" something or other, and all the good guys are polite, and there's always a drunk beggar with a Cockney accent. Why? Presumably they would have a different language there, right? So we're already buying that you're translating their language into something we can understand. Wouldn't that translation include making it sensible to the modern ear? I have this same problem with movies set in, say, France, but performed in English with all the actors doing a truly ear-wrenching rendition of a French accent. We've already accepted that this is France but we're hearing it in English; can't we just dispense with the phony accents which serve no purpose? Plus, I just think it would be interesting to have a fantasy tale about a Chosen Knight riding up to the Sacred Oracle and saying, "So, what's up, Oracle? How's it hanging?"

3. Too much plot. I'm sorry, people, but I feel strongly about this one. I can only take so much plot per story. I want one nice, strong storyline, with a good arc, and a couple colorful sub-plots, but mostly, good characters, and good interactions between those characters. (And by "good" I don't mean positive, I mean satisfying.) Fantasy books seem to get so excited by the prospect of all the quests to be quested and battles to be fought that they forget about the people questing those quests and fighting those battles (see #1). It's like the focus is out too far above the characters for my taste. We're seeing things unfold on a national level, like a history book. That is flatly boring to me. I understand not everyone feels that way, but hey. They can write their own damn blog.

2. They take themselves way too seriously. This one was a close tie for first, actually. When I pick up a book and I start reading all that pretentious prose, I want to hunt down the author,  take them aside, and explain to them gently that they are, in fact, hilarious failures. It's ok, though, I want to tell them. We all are. That's what brings us together. That's what your book needs to show. I'm certainly not saying that every fantasy book needs to be a non-stop slapstick pun-fest (although Piers Anthony's Xanth books are among my favorites). But the tone needs to be accessible. Don't start blathering about the Sacred Tomes of the Ancient Wizard. And definitely don't start bringing in any kind of freaking orb until I have at least one character I like, or it's done time.

1. Cardboard characters. Too many fantasy writers treat their characters like chess pieces, like building blocks for the almighty plot. There is no depth to most of these characters, no soul. They're just stock pieces-- the bastard/ foundling king, the princess, the oracle, the mentor, the villain, the fantastical/animal sidekick, the Judas, the warrior woman/girl dressed as a boy, etc. I'm not saying that these traditional characters have to go out the window, I'm just saying that, as-is, they're boring. They're empty. If you're writing a stock character and expecting the "stock" definitions of that character to fill in personality, motivation, and heart, that's lazy writing. Once we start to mess with these, though, turn them on their ear-- the fuzzy fantastical sidekick who is actually trying to kill our hero, the boy who everyone thinks is a bit effeminate and turns out not to be a girl after all, meaning our hero really is having homosexual thoughts, the oracle who is actually just messing with everyone-- things start to get more interesting, more compelling, a little deeper. Don't phone it in, people. Characters matter, even in a plot-centered piece.

Well, that's my two cents. Or... seven cents. Whatever. A quick word on what does make me pick up a fantasy book:

- If it has a good cover; people say, "Don't judge a book by it's cover," but like most things people say, this is total crapping crap. You can 100% tell what a book will be about based on the cover. I want to rant more on the subject, but this seems like a good topic for a whole separate post, so I think I'll save it.

- If it's written by an author I like, even if I like them in a different genre.

- If the main character is a girl who dresses as a boy. I know, I know what I said, but I can't help it. I am a total and complete sucker for these. I was sucked in young, with Tamora Pierce's Song of the Lioness series. What can I say? They have great covers.

- If it's funny.

So if you're planning on writing a fantasy novel, here's my advice to you: reconsider.

No, but seriously though, my advice is a two-part program. First, make sure you're well-versed in the traditions, standards, and tropes of the genre. Know the classics, and know what's out there now. Second, do something different.  Don't throw the whole damn baby out with that tepid, dirty old bathwater, but be smart. Do something new. Prove to me why I should be reading your book instead of the 1000 and 1 other cookies from the same cutter. And by cookies I mean books.

Now I want a cookie.