How to Fail: Avoid Writing and Be Unproductive Indefinitely

Today we're going to look at five steps you can take to make sure you never finish anything meaningful. Why would you want to avoid writing? Well, actually following through and finishing things comes with all sorts of undesirable results. For one, people will start expecting things from you; they will begin to see you as an actual responsible person, and heavens knows, you can't have that! They might start expecting you to act like an adult. For another, once you finish something, you might have to do something with it, like find an agent for it, publish it online, and--gasp--let Other People read it. And we all know how damaging Other People can be to our fragile inner artist.

So, here are the top 5 ways to never finish anything:

1. Make every sentence perfect before you move on to the next one. Forget drafting; it's your responsibility to yourself to make sure no part of anything you do is ever less than perfect. Each word should be like a shimmering, gleaming, perfectly crafted pearl nestled in a shimmery web of satiny eloquence, on the first try.

2. Get burned out. Nothing will derail your progress faster than expecting too much, too soon. Vow to write 10,000 words a day, every day, and start today. Ten days later, I guarantee you will never want to see a keyboard/pencil again.

3. Ask for feedback early, and often. Read your first draft of your first chapter to everyone you know--your mom, your boyfriend, the mailman, your mailman's cousin's dog. Then sit back and wait with bated breath for them to lavish you with praise and hail you as a genius the likes of which has not been seen by mortal men. Go back to step 1 until you achieve this.

4. Refuse to write unless you feel "inspired." Let's face it, all great writers love to write. They enjoy every single second of it. They feel inspired and moved through every keystroke. If you ever feel bored, frustrated, or your fingers start to hurt, then the muse is clearly telling you that this is not the right project/time/place for your desk. Stop everything, scrap whatever you've done so far, and start over. But not until you really FEEL it.

5. Insist on only writing utterly original material, all the time. That plotline has a young boy who learns new skills, makes new friends, and triumphs over his obstacles? Scrap it. It's just like Harry Potter.  Your main character has dark hair? Scrap her. She's too much like Katniss. In fact, every word you use to tell the story has been used before! That's plagiarism! You better start making up your own words for everything. In fact, we can't get anywhere original until you make up your own language. 


Keep these tips in mind and I guarantee that you will never finish a project. That way, when people ask you what you do, you can tell them, "I'm a writer!" without ever having to actually produce any writing you've done.

Thanks for reading and I'm sorry about the gap! I will try to post more often.